When I wake in the morning I often lay still for a while and just think. I try very hard to acknowledge all that I’m grateful for and to get my “head straight” for the day’s agenda. I’m slow to get up and I work diligently to be a happy, oh let’s say instead, nice, person in the morning.
As I lay there this morning I was processing a very important meeting I had yesterday. I’m in the process of interviewing for a new job and had to go through a rather extensive session with a Psychodiagnostician. Frankly, if I’m going to see a “nostician” of any sort I would have preferred it related to a facial, hair-coloring, or back massage. But, it didn’t. It related to my brain and my thoughts and feelings. That is never fun. Well, maybe sometimes.
Though tiring, you go through a lot of simple but supposedly revealing tests of your psyche, it wasn’t a horrible experience. It made me think. In fact, hours later I was still thinking about it and even as I woke this morning. I was going through this experience for one purpose but it related indirectly to a different situation in my life from years ago. A situation I thought I had managed, cleaned up and neatly tucked away in a space not to be seen or heard from again.
Wrong. There it was sitting on the top of my mind as I woke this morning. It doesn’t matter what the experience was and it wasn’t anything horrifically traumatic that you might read about in a newspaper. It was my own personal trauma that affected me greatly. It changed every aspect of my life. It was painful and gut-wrenching. My ego had been bruised and beaten and finally went down for the count.
But, in time, I got up again and I was somehow better for it. During that period of my life I had to deeply analyze who I was and what I was here for, why God made me, what my worth was, and every other deep question you battle through when you hurt. I made a decision to go a direction in my life that I thought was strong and courageous requiring bravery and perseverance. I was able to adjust to have more of the important things in life like time with my child and freedom to define myself. I created something from nothing and my family had a new life experience. We had to make many painful adjustments along the way, but we did it and we were making it.
Six years go by. I’m starting to walk down the same path I walked before filled with self-doubt and ego crushing pressures. I can’t figure it out. Bad times come again. New challenges that I don’t feel strong enough to brave. I get through it and I make some tough decisions about my life…again. As such, I’m in the office of a psychodiagnostician running through a battery of tests to help my potential employer get a better view of my fit in their organization.
Back to the beginning of my post…I awake and as I’m processing everything from the past 24 hours it occurs to me that how I spent the last six years of my life, though filled with amazement and goodness and pride, was possibly a path to escape my ultimate fear of facing the big dragon again- the one I succumbed to in the past.
I’ve possibly been escaping the reality of who I am and what I’m here for this past six years doing something I thought was so completely right. I can’t really say it was wrong. I’ve had a lovely detour that brought great joys. This time was a gift from God who allowed me breathing space to sort through things in my life and try things I had always wanted to do. It was His beautiful gift to me and I so appreciate it.
But this year I think He has been leading me (let’s be honest…forcing me) to try something different. To face new challenges. To reignite the courage and bravery I lost to the dragon six years ago. I think I have been taking an off-course journey that has been filled with wonderful things but has ultimately brought me back to a path filled with new challenges and hopefully smaller dragons where God wants me to be.
I’ve perhaps been avoiding doing some things I was meant to do, but God’s grace and mercy allowed me this time. He is good- all the time and all the time- He is good. The reason I was meeting with the psycho-man ( much easier to write than the official title) may not come to fruition. The point for me is that I had this breakthrough that I’ve been running away from something that I feared and God gave me the time to do it. I think He is now saying to me, “O.k. my lovely daughter, it’s time again, you are ready, I need you to do something different in your life, and I will be walking with you- just as I have been there always.”
This blog entry may mean nothing to you today, but I have to say it gave me a wonderful outlet to sort through my waking thoughts. Thank you for indulging me. What am I going to do next? I have no idea. I’m waiting to see what God has in store, but most importantly, I’m not shutting down when God is gently nudging.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.