This past weekend my life direction was supposed to become clearer to me. All the loose ends were to be tidied up and I was going to know how my life would be changing in the coming months. I’m currently job interviewing and opportunities keep taking my family and me out of state. We don’t really know what we are supposed to do. I’ve questioned why leaving this state, where I’m comfortably surrounded by family and friends, seems inevitable. Doors don’t seem to be opening where we live now.
In response to my changing employment situation, we put our house on the market to bring our cost of living down. Unexpectedly we sold it in three days. It must be for a reason. In this market, who sells their home in three days? Our closing is mid-January. We don’t currently have a place to live after the closing. This past weekend was going to clarify if my family and I would be staying or going and show us where we would probably be spending the next few years of our lives. We could then figure out our living arrangements.
This weekend didn’t go as planned. God didn’t make anything surrounding my circumstances abundantly clear. In fact, this weekend created greater confusion for me. What could be the purpose of that? Am I not ready? Is something better out there? Am I being tested? Am I not getting something? Is the answer right in front of my face? Were my expectations way off course?
Maybe God’s direction to me is getting lost in translation some how. It can’t be that He’s not answering yet, can it? Am I not passing the test? Do I need more testing because once again I’m not faithfully trusting Him completely? Does God know that we don’t have a home to live in after mid-January? Does God know we need more income for our outgo? Are my prayers being translated in a language God doesn’t understand? Are His answers being translated in a language I don’t understand?
Hmmmm, lots of questions today. You know what? I don’t know the answers. God hasn’t provided them yet- at least not in a way I easily recognize. The answers aren’t lost. They just haven’t arrived yet. It’s not time. I’m not in control of this situation. Therefore, I am forced to trust in God’s wisdom or drive myself crazy. I know what the crazy choice is like. So instead, I need to trust. Trust with all my heart, all my soul, all my being. Every cell of my body needs to trust Him.
As I write this I close my eyes occasionally to try and experience the trust. To experience completely letting go. I can feel it for a second- complete release. Then my mind brings me back. I try again. It makes me smile.
I’m going to keep working on it. It seems the more frequently I release the better I feel. The anxiety subsides. It’s freeing. I wish this freedom for you today. I’ll wait for the answer. It will come.
Psalm 118:5 In my distress I prayed to the Lord, and the Lord answered me and rescued me.