After a fun filled night with friends, the group of us were having a buffet breakfast at a local hotel. The conversation went from frivolous to serious fairly quick. I’m dealing with a lot of change in my life right now and frankly, I can’t say I’m doing a good job. I’ve tried to keep my head up like a good buckaroo, but I’ve allowed gremlins to sneak in and confuse, undermine and perplex me.
Like it or not, and for the moment it is not, my family is going to be moving out of state for the purpose of my starting a new job. This was not my plan. I do not want to go. I feel pushed into this situation and I’ve had some strong feelings about it.
A year ago I lost a key client I worked with and losing that business turned my world upside down. Aside from the financial toll, which has been extreme, the emotional pressure of this situation brought me down and has had me pinned to the floor regardless of my cries screaming, uncle, uncle!
I was emotionally incapacitated for the second time in my life and though I was better equipped to handle it this go around, I didn’t avoid the turmoil, tears, darkness and fear that surrounded me like Pig Pen’s dust cloud. I fell prey to it all and I’ve been slowly crawling back to a place where I can talk about it all without falling apart.
It’s amazing what anxiety can do to you. For me it strikes suddenly and unexpectedly. I’m amazingly gifted when it comes to keeping my feelings deep down inside of me and covering the blemishes of my life so that no one knows any better. However, I can’t keep that up for long and, without resolve, the truth surfaces and I am in a ball on my bed with tears streaming down my face.
So my friends and I are discussing the various possibilities of where my life will lead. You see, at the end of February my family and I will officially be leaving our current home and need a place to stay for about a month. We don’t know where that will be yet. After that month, we will likely be moving to one of two different states, but we don’t know where that will be yet. We think I will have a new job and that job will determine the state we are moving to, but we don’t know that yet. We aren’t sure if our child will finish out her school year where she is or be transferring to a new school. We don’t know where to put the things that we are packing up and I’m trying to reorganize a business that also comes with a lot of “things” to move somewhere. It’s complicated.
I’m sharing with my friends to answer their many questions pretty much relating to what I’ve mentioned above. I admit that I have come to the conclusion that God needed to take away the things I’m so dearly attached to in my life so that I would end up making some decisions to do things I wouldn’t have done otherwise. In a million years I would not be considering moving to another state had I not lost the business contract I mentioned. Losing that contract made our house very difficult to pay for and after time we came to the conclusion we had to sell it. We didn’t know where we would be going, but we couldn’t afford to remain in it. We sold the house in three days of being on the market and there were four offers on it– all which were worth consideration. The closing took some time to organize so we were able to stay in the house longer than we anticipated. I have had half a dozen job opportunities come my way…not a single one where I live now. My husband did get a new job in our current state and it will transfer to one of the other states if we end up going that direction. My daughter is excited to be moving- and I can’t explain that at all. I’ve been offered a position, out of state, on a contractual basis to try it for three months before making a final decision. That gives me some continued freedoms and helps me ease out of my current business. Since we don’t have to move yet we’ve been fortunate to be able to rent back our home for most of the time I’m consulting so we do have a place to live. Several friends have offered us a place to stay the final month before we actually need to move.
I’m going over how this plan, none of which was my own, seems to be working itself out perfectly, even without my support, and I’m reflecting on Jesus’ love, purpose and will for my life. As I’m talking about this the chef walks by our table with a big smile on his face. He is dressed superbly in crisp white and his name is beautifully and clearly embroidered on the front side of his outfit.
Guess what the chef’s name is?
A psalm of David.
1 Lord, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
2 Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
like those long dead.
4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
6 I spread out my hands to you;
I thirst for you like a parched land.[a]
7 Answer me quickly, Lord;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, Lord,
for I hide myself in you.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.
11 For your name’s sake, Lord, preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.